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Did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

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I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

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You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?

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Being in college when The Chainsmokers dropped Closer was an experience to say the least.

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Might put on a bikini and run through your DMs.

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My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

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Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

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Sorry I was late, I was frantically applying to other jobs.

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No amount of daylight can save us.

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When your kids embarrass you in public, the only way out is to turn away in disgust and mutter loudly, “Who raised you?”