66 funny news quotes - Wordgag

I love when I clean my whole apartment just to sit in it like a Victorian widow waiting for bad news.

May 28, 2026

Warning: not watching the news may lead to a heightened sense of joy, security, and optimism.

May 28, 2026

Breaking News: No matter how close you are with your colleagues, never discuss your personal matters at work. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

May 28, 2026

Breaking news: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

May 28, 2026

So we have actual fact checkers who know all the facts? Why not create a TV channel where they just give us the facts? We could call it the News.

May 28, 2026

Who needs dystopian fiction when you can watch the news?

May 27, 2026

Having a toddler is wild. I’m getting breaking news about Peppa Pig.

May 26, 2026

“I saw your ex!” A very unnecessary piece of information.

May 26, 2026

Listen to the birds, not the news.

May 26, 2026

The world would be a much nicer place if we just turn off the news.

May 26, 2026

Does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore, or is there just too much other news?

May 26, 2026

Just once I’d like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear “Monday has been cancelled,” and then go back to sleep.

May 25, 2026

Breaking News: Local woman stuns in new unnecessary online purchase.

May 25, 2026

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my year book, I have some devastating news.

May 25, 2026

Breaking news is really breaking me.

May 25, 2026

If liars’ pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

May 25, 2026

If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

May 25, 2026

Breaking: man who liked me first no longer likes me.

May 24, 2026

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

May 24, 2026

Breaking news: you’re way less interesting than you think you are.

May 24, 2026

The only time anyone should watch the news is to study how psychological manipulation works on the general public.

May 24, 2026

“I need a movie where the villain actually won!” Have you tried watching the news?

May 24, 2026

In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

May 23, 2026

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

May 23, 2026

A hammock is a terrible place to receive bad news.

May 23, 2026

My age is news to me every single time I remember.

May 23, 2026

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good.

May 23, 2026

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

May 23, 2026

Breaking News: Jenny on Facebook is having salad for dinner tonight.

May 23, 2026

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

May 23, 2026

The evening news: Where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it’s not.

May 23, 2026

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

May 22, 2026May 22, 2026

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

May 22, 2026

Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

May 22, 2026

Great news everyone! The priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery.

May 22, 2026

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor. The bad news: They will only do it when you’re wrong.

May 22, 2026

Good news: I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

May 21, 2026

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

May 21, 2026

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news.

May 21, 2026

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from social media posts.

May 21, 2026