66 funny news quotes - Wordgag

The good news is that I’ve been finding new ways to waste my time.

May 30, 2026

It’s a fabulous time to be alive if you love: verification codes, verifying your email, yelling ‘REAL PERSON’ into a phone at a robot, reading nightmarish news all day, every day, hot.

May 30, 2026

Pro tip: Avoid the news for a couple of days and have some fun.

May 30, 2026

TMZ will find out you’re dead before you do.

May 30, 2026

Bad news. Right now is as young as you’re going to be.

May 30, 2026

Good news, I just decided I don’t care about anything anymore.

May 30, 2026

It’s so cold, I’m using Chrome instead of Firefox to read the news on my phone, because I need the ads to warm up my phone and hands.

May 29, 2026

Using Twitter means knowing the news a week before everyone else.

May 29, 2026

Study international relations and political science if you watch the news and think, I’d like this to make me even more depressed.

May 29, 2026

I have never read a Hacker News thread where any of the commenters seemed as if their life contained joy.

May 29, 2026

We interrupt coverage of one horrible story for breaking news of another horrible story.

May 29, 2026

“Why do I feel like shit all the time?” I ask myself, while staring into the flashlight that tells me bad news.

May 29, 2026

I love when I clean my whole apartment just to sit in it like a Victorian widow waiting for bad news.

May 28, 2026

Warning: not watching the news may lead to a heightened sense of joy, security, and optimism.

May 28, 2026

Breaking News: No matter how close you are with your colleagues, never discuss your personal matters at work. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

May 28, 2026

Breaking news: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

May 28, 2026

So we have actual fact checkers who know all the facts? Why not create a TV channel where they just give us the facts? We could call it the News.

May 28, 2026

Who needs dystopian fiction when you can watch the news?

May 27, 2026

Having a toddler is wild. I’m getting breaking news about Peppa Pig.

May 26, 2026

“I saw your ex!” A very unnecessary piece of information.

May 26, 2026

Listen to the birds, not the news.

May 26, 2026

The world would be a much nicer place if we just turn off the news.

May 26, 2026

Does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore, or is there just too much other news?

May 26, 2026

Just once I’d like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear “Monday has been cancelled,” and then go back to sleep.

May 25, 2026

Breaking News: Local woman stuns in new unnecessary online purchase.

May 25, 2026

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my year book, I have some devastating news.

May 25, 2026

Breaking news is really breaking me.

May 25, 2026

If liars’ pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.

May 25, 2026

If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

May 25, 2026

Breaking: man who liked me first no longer likes me.

May 24, 2026

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

May 24, 2026

Breaking news: you’re way less interesting than you think you are.

May 24, 2026

The only time anyone should watch the news is to study how psychological manipulation works on the general public.

May 24, 2026

“I need a movie where the villain actually won!” Have you tried watching the news?

May 24, 2026

In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

May 23, 2026

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

May 23, 2026

A hammock is a terrible place to receive bad news.

May 23, 2026

My age is news to me every single time I remember.

May 23, 2026

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good.

May 23, 2026

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

May 23, 2026