I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

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You want me to do Pilates? The thing that killed Jesus?

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I have friends in high places (birds).

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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

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Thinking the bodega owner likes you is exactly the same as thinking the stripper likes you.

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Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I wanted to be late for work.

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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

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Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag.

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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

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It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby.