Commentary:
Looks like my salary and that pocket have a lot in common: both disappear quickly! 💸👖😂
625 Funny know quotes
I’ve started answering my phone when a number I don’t know rings, and damn, some of that shit’s important.
Commentary:
Who knew mystery calls could be my new life coach? 📞🤔😆
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Commentary:
Count me in, I’ll come… or at least I’ll try! 😂🎉
I don’t know, I think the elephant really ties the room together.
Commentary:
Didn’t realize I needed an elephant in my living room for that perfect feng shui 😂🐘🌟
Scientists don’t want you to know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because, if you actually meet a scientist, they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know.
Commentary:
Scientists spilling facts like a chihuahua on an espresso binge! 🐶☕🔬
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking.
Commentary:
Who knew you could live life to the fullest with the remote in one hand and snacks in the other? Couch potatoes, unite! 🛋️🍕🎉
They should make a post-university coming-of-age movie so I can know what to do in life.
Commentary:
When do we get the sequel titled "Navigating Adulthood: The Lost Years"? 🤔🎓🍿
Does my cat know that kissing her head is a nice thing, or does she think I’m trying to eat her?
Commentary:
Does my cat think I'm serving love or attempting a snack attack? 😸💕🍽️
I wouldn’t know if the stripper loves me. I’ve never been to a strip club. I mostly go to Lidl or Aldi.
Commentary:
Looks like you're more into discount deals than dollar bills! 🛒💰😂
I don’t want to “join the community” of a brand that sells socks. I just want the socks. Stop emailing me about your “mission statement.” Your mission is to sell socks. We both know this.
Commentary:
Why do sock brands try harder than my internet provider to stay in touch? Can we just be sole-mates without all the emails? 🧦📩