I generally don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m really good at it.

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Pretty sure I need to go back to bed and sleep for 3 days.

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Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes.

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Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

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Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

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The sound of rain outside when you’re in bed is elite.

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I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

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I do block people right away; you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone, with my own internet, and in my own house.

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Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

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Out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day.