I was so locked in, to the point where we were tongue-kissing with morning breath.

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Like, who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect?

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User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’

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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness.

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I enjoy long walks up and down my stairs trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

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Where do we acquire the ducks that we’re supposed to be putting in a row?

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Why is it called the Super Bowl if no one is bowling?

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I need a weighted blanket that won’t let me get out of bed in the morning.

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I’m the friend who shows up with a shovel and an alibi.

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Time Magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year!

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My kid asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.