If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. No need to remind her every half hour.

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Police officer: please step out of your vehicle. Me: after this song, hold on.

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Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow.

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When I dance, people say it reminds them of a wild dog chasing its tail.

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Funny that the Three Wise Men brought probably the three worst presents for a newborn baby.

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When I was a kid, I had to walk to Netflix.

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I hated rats even before my girlfriend left me for one.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera!

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Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

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Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby. Man, I ain’t living in there.