49 funny half quotes - Wordgag

What did people do before eyeglasses, like half the world just walked around not being able to see?

May 30, 2026

I’m 27 and a half. I should be on my first divorce by now.

May 30, 2026

The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad.

May 29, 2026

I recently discovered “movies.” They’re usually like an hour and a half long, and a pretty good way to kill time. Check it out.

May 29, 2026

They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental, so I thought about the gym really hard today.

May 29, 2026

Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.

May 28, 2026

Adulthood is really discovering half your family is mentally ill.

May 28, 2026

Half of Twitter is horny, half is depressed, and the other half don’t know how to do math.

May 28, 2026

The night terrors don’t scare me half as much as the day terrors.

May 28, 2026

Italians, look away now. I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

May 27, 2026

A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

May 27, 2026

I’ve started ripping my shirt in half like Hulk Hogan when I mean business. Long story short, I’m looking for a new job.

May 27, 2026

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning, but I also want to be happy.

May 27, 2026

I’m not really a “glass half full” kind of person. I’m more of a “Where’d I put my glass?” kind of person.

May 27, 2026

I am convinced that at least half of you are bots.

May 27, 2026

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

May 27, 2026

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. No need to remind her every half hour.

May 26, 2026

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

May 25, 2026

Every time you break spaghetti noodles in half, an Italian has a stroke.

May 25, 2026

Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”

May 25, 2026

Ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby-like and flop around for a while.

May 25, 2026

I am half agony, half hope.

May 24, 2026

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire.

May 24, 2026

Half princess, half menace.

May 24, 2026

I am brilliantly social for one and a half hours, and then I need to recover in my bedroom cave for two days.

May 24, 2026

No matter how early you get up, fate always gets up half an hour earlier.

May 24, 2026

I spend half the day wondering if it’s too late for coffee and the other half wondering if it’s too early for alcohol.

May 23, 2026

Elections is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

May 23, 2026

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

May 23, 2026

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

May 23, 2026

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk because half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said.

May 23, 2026

My favorite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.

May 23, 2026

Vote for me, I’ll cut the alphabet in half.

May 23, 2026

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck.

May 22, 2026

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

May 22, 2026

Half the world is mentally ill. The other half is to blame.

May 22, 2026

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

May 22, 2026

I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half sisters.

May 22, 2026

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

May 22, 2026

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

May 22, 2026