49 funny half quotes - Wordgag

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

May 23, 2026

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

May 23, 2026

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk because half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said.

May 23, 2026

My favorite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.

May 23, 2026

Vote for me, I’ll cut the alphabet in half.

May 23, 2026

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck.

May 22, 2026

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

May 22, 2026

Half the world is mentally ill. The other half is to blame.

May 22, 2026

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

May 22, 2026

I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half sisters.

May 22, 2026

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

May 22, 2026

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

May 22, 2026

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

May 22, 2026

You ran a half marathon? That’s really cool, I’ve almost finished a bunch of things, too.

May 22, 2026

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

May 21, 2026

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

May 21, 2026

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

May 21, 2026

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

May 21, 2026

Today I learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work, just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. I respect ants so much more.

May 19, 2026

Half of my problems are because I said “sure” instead of “no.”

May 19, 2026

That moment when you have to restart a song because the conversations in your head got too loud and you missed half the song.

May 19, 2026

What did people do before eyeglasses, like half the world just walked around not being able to see?

May 19, 2026

I’m 27 and a half. I should be on my first divorce by now.

May 19, 2026

The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad.

Apr 1, 2026

I recently discovered “movies.” They’re usually like an hour and a half long, and a pretty good way to kill time. Check it out.

Apr 1, 2026

They say half the battle of getting in shape is mental, so I thought about the gym really hard today.

Mar 31, 2026

Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.

Mar 31, 2026

Adulthood is really discovering half your family is mentally ill.

Mar 31, 2026

Half of Twitter is horny, half is depressed, and the other half don’t know how to do math.

Mar 31, 2026

The night terrors don’t scare me half as much as the day terrors.

Mar 31, 2026

Italians, look away now. I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Mar 30, 2026

A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

Mar 30, 2026

I’ve started ripping my shirt in half like Hulk Hogan when I mean business. Long story short, I’m looking for a new job.

Mar 30, 2026

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning, but I also want to be happy.

Mar 30, 2026

I’m not really a “glass half full” kind of person. I’m more of a “Where’d I put my glass?” kind of person.

Mar 30, 2026

I am convinced that at least half of you are bots.

Mar 30, 2026

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Mar 30, 2026

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. No need to remind her every half hour.

Mar 29, 2026

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

Mar 28, 2026

Every time you break spaghetti noodles in half, an Italian has a stroke.

Mar 28, 2026