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Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse.

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That awkward moment when everything is going so perfectly… and then you wake up.

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I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

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The secret to a clean home? Never let your husband or children in.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has copied:

I wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating Snickers for breakfast in bed.

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If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!

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Transgender ambulance driver whose pronouns are we/you/we/you/we/you.

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Micro-dosing time travel by going to bed.

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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.

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Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when hot men are around.