I’m going to bed, everyone. Try to keep it down.

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At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

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If you’re just talking nonsense all the time and not thinking about what you’re doing, you’re either in love or at the office.

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Many greetings from my coffee. Y’all are talking too much again.

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I always take responsibility for my actions when there is no one else around to blame.

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Adulting means growing hair in places you’re not supposed to and losing hair in places you don’t want to.

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The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

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Tonight, my poor liver has to pay again for what went wrong during the week.

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Why can’t the house clean itself? It seems to get dirty by itself.

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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

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Aliens probably have group chats called Don’t Stop on Earth.