It’s important to follow your significant other around the grocery store, not helping, and only hovering like the specter of death.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

Addicted to bad posture. Omggg, why is it so comfortable to give yourself scoliosis?

96 shares on Discord this month:

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 60-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

81 shares on Pinterest this month:

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

14 shares on Twitch this month:

The thing about being 50+ is that whenever an opportunity to pee is available – you’re wise to take it.

99 shares on Facebook this month:

All I think about is death and sex.

90 shares on TikTok this month:

I hate finishing a series that I enjoyed, because what now?

58 shares on Telegram this month:

Every time I talk, it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak.

35 shares on Threads this month:

I’m afraid that AI will quickly realize that the biggest problem on Earth is humans – and then solve the problem.

52 shares on Facebook this month:

Maturing is realizing you’re not stable enough to do mushrooms.

26 shares on Pinterest this month:

Just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about donuts.