It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

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Don’t worry password, I’m insecure too.

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I’m sorry I lied to you. I only did it for material gain. And to cause you psychological harm. And to prove I’m smarter than you.

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How dare you? I’m literally the sweetest most rage filled person on earth.

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Do you think birds, once they get older, start people-watching?

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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

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I called the cops on my own party, because I was ready to go to bed.

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Airlines be like: “Oh, wow. Oh, God. We didn’t think everyone would bring a bag!”

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Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

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My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger.