39 funny speed quotes - Wordgag

Sorry, but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, I’m thinking enemy.

May 23, 2026

My favorite 90s skill: Uninstalling my car stereo and hiding it in my glove box in under 15 seconds.

May 23, 2026

Why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast? It’s just an onion man, why don’t you relax?

May 23, 2026

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

May 23, 2026

Speed dating, but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food.

May 22, 2026

I don’t think you all understand. If Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet, she’d be Taylor Slow.

May 22, 2026

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go, I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed.

May 22, 2026

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend. My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough.

May 22, 2026

My running speed is very slow because the Discman wasn’t allowed to shake in the past.

May 21, 2026

Note: Press the button on the elevator as often as possible to activate the secret express function and speed up the thing.

May 21, 2026

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late.

May 20, 2026

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine.

May 20, 2026

Being Leonardo DiCaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

May 20, 2026

When I die, I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off.

May 20, 2026

Yes, officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car.

May 20, 2026

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

May 20, 2026

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

May 20, 2026

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

May 20, 2026

Me passing someone: you slow mule! Me being passed: okay, speed racer!

May 19, 2026

Ever been in the car with someone who drives so fast that you press your imaginary brakes on the passenger side?

May 19, 2026

The only thing faster than an escalator is an escasooner.

Apr 1, 2026

If you can’t tell which family member is coming up the stairs by the speed and weight of their footsteps, are you even family?

Apr 1, 2026

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Mar 31, 2026

Remember when downloading a song in under 5 minutes was considered progress?

Mar 31, 2026

Pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed.

Mar 30, 2026

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes.

Mar 30, 2026

The gossip in my town is faster than the Wi-Fi.

Mar 30, 2026

I don’t like people driving fast—that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Mar 30, 2026

Sometimes I wish I had a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.

Mar 29, 2026

I like when I walk with people and they note that I’m a fast walker. We’re in a race. We’re in a race and you’re losing actually.

Mar 29, 2026

You should be allowed to speed if good music is playing.

Mar 29, 2026

Bruce Lee had a faster older brother named Sudden Lee.

Mar 29, 2026

I’ll be like “I’m fine” then shake my leg at 150 mph.

Mar 28, 2026

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

Mar 27, 2026

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Mar 27, 2026

Wish my metabolism worked as fast as my anxiety.

Mar 27, 2026

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event. Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Mar 27, 2026

Time needs a speed limit.

Mar 27, 2026

November moving quicker than two lesbians who met three days ago.

Mar 27, 2026