People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like.

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Eternal Sunshine of the Thotless Grind.

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Beer is like the color black: it goes with everything.

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Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

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The history of mankind would have been completely different if Adam and Eve had been Chinese. They would have left the apple hanging and eaten the snake.

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Being skinny may be nice, but chicken nuggets are even nicer.

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If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

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Be warned: I’m bored. This could get dangerous.

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To horses, hay is considered both a bed and breakfast.

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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

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The worst thing about having children is the parents of the other children.