Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

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Just caught a moth and sent it back outside. Feeling like Mr. Miyagi.

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You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

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The first step to recovery is addiction.

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Wine drunk doesn’t even make itself known. You’re just relaxed, and then, all of a sudden, you feel sexier.

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Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

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Netflix has every movie except the one you want to watch.

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Apple, who gives you permission to turn the brightness down again when I’ve just turned it up?

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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

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Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

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My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.