48 funny yesterday quotes - Wordgag

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement.

May 24, 2026

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa.

May 23, 2026

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

May 23, 2026

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognized him by lunch time.

May 22, 2026

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks, I had lunch yesterday.”

May 22, 2026

This place was really tidy yesterday. It’s a shame you missed it.

May 22, 2026

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

May 22, 2026

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour.

May 22, 2026

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

May 22, 2026

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

May 21, 2026

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts and photos when someone asks me what I did yesterday.

May 21, 2026

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

May 21, 2026

I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

May 21, 2026

And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

May 20, 2026

My house was clean yesterday. Sorry, you missed it.

May 20, 2026

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

May 20, 2026

Please pray for my daughter, who had to empty the dishwasher when she “just did this yesterday and she’s tired.”

May 20, 2026

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am.

May 20, 2026

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed and cleaned everything thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

May 20, 2026

Yesterday I really wanted tacos and now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams!

May 20, 2026

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

May 20, 2026

I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m too exhausted from being so awesome yesterday.

May 20, 2026

I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

May 20, 2026

Currently helping my nephew look for his M&M’s that I ate yesterday.

May 19, 2026

Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag chair, but I’m too old to get out of one.

May 19, 2026

Girlfriend says because we got Chinese yesterday, we can’t get it again today. I don’t think that makes sense. They do it in China all the time.

May 19, 2026

Nothing humbles you faster than rereading something you were proud of yesterday.

May 6, 2026

Yesterday, my boss asked me what I did for a living.

Apr 1, 2026

Shoutout to everyone who remembers their childhood landline number but can’t recall the password they made yesterday. You’re my people.

Apr 1, 2026

Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset.

Apr 1, 2026

For all those wondering, yes, I am retired. I was tired yesterday, and I am tired again today.

Apr 1, 2026

I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

Mar 31, 2026

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the driver gave us a knock this morning to make sure we were OK.

Mar 31, 2026

Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

Mar 31, 2026

Yesterday, thieves broke into my home. They searched everywhere and found nothing. They beat me up, telling me to work harder.

Mar 31, 2026

I hate it when someone asks me what I did yesterday. I don’t know. Breathed a lot, probably got mad at something … sighed heavily. The list goes on.

Mar 31, 2026

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Mar 30, 2026

“What fresh hell is this?“ It’s actually the same hell as yesterday. Not fresh at all, really.

Mar 30, 2026

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

Mar 30, 2026

When I say “the other day”, it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.

Mar 29, 2026