48 funny yesterday quotes - Wordgag

Nothing humbles you faster than rereading something you were proud of yesterday.

May 29, 2026

Yesterday, my boss asked me what I did for a living.

May 29, 2026

Shoutout to everyone who remembers their childhood landline number but can’t recall the password they made yesterday. You’re my people.

May 29, 2026

Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset.

May 29, 2026

For all those wondering, yes, I am retired. I was tired yesterday, and I am tired again today.

May 29, 2026

I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

May 28, 2026

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the driver gave us a knock this morning to make sure we were OK.

May 28, 2026

Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

May 28, 2026

Yesterday, thieves broke into my home. They searched everywhere and found nothing. They beat me up, telling me to work harder.

May 28, 2026

I hate it when someone asks me what I did yesterday. I don’t know. Breathed a lot, probably got mad at something … sighed heavily. The list goes on.

May 28, 2026

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

May 27, 2026

“What fresh hell is this?“ It’s actually the same hell as yesterday. Not fresh at all, really.

May 27, 2026

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

May 27, 2026

When I say “the other day”, it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.

May 26, 2026

It took three employees to help me complete “self-checkout” yesterday.

May 26, 2026

Work again? Really? Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

May 26, 2026

Sorry, the deadline for complaints was yesterday.

May 26, 2026

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let’s be positive here.

May 25, 2026

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!

May 25, 2026

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

May 25, 2026

Currently helping my husband look for his $20 I spent yesterday.

May 25, 2026

Just remembered why I went upstairs yesterday.

May 25, 2026

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement.

May 24, 2026

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa.

May 23, 2026

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

May 23, 2026

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognized him by lunch time.

May 22, 2026

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks, I had lunch yesterday.”

May 22, 2026

This place was really tidy yesterday. It’s a shame you missed it.

May 22, 2026

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

May 22, 2026

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour.

May 22, 2026

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

May 22, 2026

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

May 21, 2026

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts and photos when someone asks me what I did yesterday.

May 21, 2026

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

May 21, 2026

I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

May 21, 2026

And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

May 20, 2026

My house was clean yesterday. Sorry, you missed it.

May 20, 2026

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

May 20, 2026

Please pray for my daughter, who had to empty the dishwasher when she “just did this yesterday and she’s tired.”

May 20, 2026

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am.

May 20, 2026