Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow.

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Sometimes I just say “no idea” because I’m too lazy to think.

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Employees should have to take their boss’s last name.

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I cannot hear a word you are saying if your hoodie strings are uneven.

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I’m officially at the age where my favorite thing to do is sit down.

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I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas.

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Me waking up: wow, I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight.

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If she says “it’s fine,” you’re probably in trouble.