Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow.

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To my beloved wife, I leave my circus and my monkeys.

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A frightening number of young people alive today don’t know about Knight Rider.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has copied:

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

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Awesome that January is over, but rude that our reward for getting through it is February.

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The share button on Reddit should be called Spreddit.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has viewed:

Me, having zero balance in my account, viewing houses worth 10 million, and being like, “No, I don’t like the kitchen.”

Someone from 🇩🇪 has viewed:

I’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard.

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I have more trips planned than I have money.

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Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has downloaded:

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.