The internal struggle between wanting to be productive and just wanting to nap all day.

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Stretching is not enough. I need to be rolled through a pasta machine.

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Turning regret into ulcers since the day I was born.

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I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

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Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs.

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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.

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Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!

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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder.

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So you like bad boys? Cause I’m bad at everything.

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The struggle to get off the couch and into bed is real.

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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.