They should invent a political party that doesn’t suck.

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I like my Jims slim and my chances fat.

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If at first you don’t succeed, that’s so embarrassing. Why are you so bad at this?

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Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married.

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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin. Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

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Mindfulness is out. We’re doing drugs again.

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Can anyone recommend some good places for somebody just getting into visiting?

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Kids be like: “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it.”

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Harry Potter is sort of crazy. I would have never fought a war for my high school.

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I like my bed more than I like most people.

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Old people get so mad when you’re young and tired.