This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

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I don’t understand why “family-run” should be a sign of quality. North Korea, for example, is also family-run and doesn’t convince me at all.

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My addiction to buying things I don’t need started at the school book fair.

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Every time you break spaghetti noodles in half, an Italian has a stroke.

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Children really brighten up a home. They never turn the lights off, …

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I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone.

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Typos keep me humble. Every email is a gamble.

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They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

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The easiest way to shop with kids is not to.

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“You’re always drinking wine!” God forbid a girl enjoys the first miracle of Jesus.

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A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’