Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

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Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by a single unelected groundhog.

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If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

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“Work smarter, not harder.” Brother, I’m not doing either of those things.

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Yoga is just slow motion breakdancing.

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I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current.”

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I’ve got midlife crises older than you.

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I’m going to a karaoke bar tomorrow, where I’ll sing every song in the style of Yoko Ono.

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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

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Mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

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Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.