Tweeting with no audience feels like screaming jokes into a cornfield.

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No, I don’t comment, I voodoo doll like a real adult.

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Not all people have bad neighbors. The ones next door have a great one.

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The question of whether an employer values its employees is sometimes answered by the toilet paper.

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I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

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Unfollowing girls on Instagram as soon as they get a boyfriend is something I’ll never stop doing.

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Imagine hating me and I don’t notice.

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She doesn’t want flowers, she wants to invoke an ancient curse.