Breaking News: Jenny on Facebook is having salad for dinner tonight.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

I’ve been on Facebook for so long, I remember when it all used to be farmland.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group.

The length of a LinkedIn Post is directly proportional to the amount of bullshit in it.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

I leave the blue tick on WhatsApp so that people can see exactly when I wasn’t interested.

No LinkedIn, I am not β€œopen to work,” I am required to work.

Twitter actually is my diary, so you’re not allowed to get mad at the things I post. You’re not even supposed to be reading this. Why were you going through my stuff?

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

WhatsApp shouldn’t just display “seen”, but also “lies” and “also writes with other girls”!

For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with my strange thoughts. Then I signed up for Facebook.

At my age, you check a friend’s Facebook page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together.