TikTok? I still call it a watch.

People delete their social media and start acting like they got a master’s degree in maturity.

“I don’t care!”, he posted, again.

By the power vested in me by Facebook, I now pronounce you unfriended and restricted. You may now kiss my butt.

Shoutout to all ladies dating silently without making noise on social media. May God give you another man as a bonus.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for Martinis.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

I be skipping everyone’s stories but watch mine like 20 times.

If she doesn’t post you, take her phone, go live and introduce yourself!

If idiots could fly, TikTok would be an airport.

My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Parents be like “don’t believe everything you see on the internet” then believe everything they see on Facebook.

Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

It’s almost bed time, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.

When my nudes go to the cloud, I always hope God is impressed.

Everyone who dramatically ‘quits’ social media is back in 48 hours like it was just a trial separation.

For the first time in history, you can simply post “He’s an idiot” and 90% of the world will know whom you’re talking about.

If you scroll Twitter long enough, you too can burn calories by shaking your head.

I like to put “No DMs” in my bio to pretend that I’m attractive.

Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

Studies show people who like my posts are happier, smarter, and better looking than those who don’t.

I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it.