When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school. Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus.

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Just because you are unique, doesn’t mean you are useful.

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You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

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The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”.

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Sorry for what I said when I was drunk. I meant every word.

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The urge to say “yeah, you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

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Your brain automatically translates WTF but not LOL.

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My sleeping pattern isn’t even a pattern anymore. It’s a lifestyle.

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Don’t listen to them, little password. You are strong.

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Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from a movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.