Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

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“Thanks for your payment!” Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

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Hate all political parties and you’ll never be disappointed.

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You lose some, you lose some more.

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Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

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My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up, and more to warn the rest of us.

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If I got a Dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

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Do other people remember toasters with wings flying across our computer screens or was that a fever dream I just had?

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Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

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Why do fish stink so much even though they bathe their whole lives?

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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.