Don’t listen to any thoughts about yourself if your hair isn’t washed. It’s just not true.

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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

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I’m no expert, but I don’t think the United Kingdom is very united.

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All cars should have a rubber bumper all the way around so we can hit each other.

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The lion does not concern himself with attaching a cover letter.

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If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano.

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Deleting tweets like a writer who burns his manuscripts.

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It’s amazing how cats can ignore you with both ears.

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I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am.

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Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

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All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.