Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has downloaded:

The Princess and the Pea, except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day.

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I think Bigfoot had it right, stay in hiding from all the shitty human beings.

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Can’t, I’m pulling it together.

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In my defense, Your Honor, I was left unsupervised.

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The lion is starting to concern himself with things he’s been trying to ignore.

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If you call me from a private number, I’ll respect your privacy and won’t answer.

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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved.

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The fastest mammal on earth is the smartass on the web.

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In a massage chair at the mall just moaning really loud.

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If I ever go missing, promise me that you won’t put my weight on the poster.