Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

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Yes, I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me.

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I cannot imagine being in high school right now. Imagine the world is eating itself alive and you’re in school.

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All the wrong decisions in this country are based on the fact that my balcony faces out the back and so I can’t speak to the people.

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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back.

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Flirting when bored can really get you into some unwanted situations.

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Non-parents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesn’t want to do, and he would obey.

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“Are you busy tomorrow?” That entirely depends on what you need me to do.

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The length of a LinkedIn Post is directly proportional to the amount of bullshit in it.

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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

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You think you’ve seen gold diggers, until you see a male friend group where only one of them made it.