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Youโ€™re in her DMs, sheโ€™s in my bed whining that itโ€™s too cold. Can you come get her?

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I hope this email keeps you awake at night.

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They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasnโ€™t any demon stuff.

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Why are “hemorrhoids” not called “assteroids”?

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Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

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Your dog immediately knows you’re leaving when you put on nice clothes… only because you usually look homeless when you’re at home.

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Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band.

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If I say โ€œwith all due respect,โ€ nothing respectful is about to come out of my mouth.

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Just so you know, what you now call an energy bar is what my father gave the canary.

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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Commentary:
"Ah, yes, the grown-up pastime of scrutinizing a cartoon about a group of heroic pups with more plot twists than a soap opera ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ“บ Who needs reality TV when you have the mystery of how Mayor Goodway always loses her pet chicken on Paw Patrol? ๐Ÿ”๐Ÿค” #AdultingGoals"



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