I hate being responsible for my own meals because I’ll either spoil myself or starve for most of the day.

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If I buy the circus, the monkey will be the manager.

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Suffering from a forehead kisses deficiency (self-diagnosed).

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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch, or a vacation, or just going to work in general.

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The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good.

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“Why does my back always hurt?”, I say, while never sitting upright in a chair.

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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

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I may be a beginner at some things, but I have a black belt in shopping.

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If I were you, I would rather be me.

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Carefully choosing which wine to pair with a McRib.