I want to sit and read, take a nap, and snack. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.

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I only obey the traffic rules to get on other peoples’ nerves.

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I love being single because how could I explain a 2 p.m. – 5 p.m. nap on a Saturday.

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Optimist: The glass is ½ full. Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty. Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

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Autumn and winter are coming. The time when I make myself tea and always forget that I’ve made myself tea.

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They call it a coffin because they’re finally coughing up that inheritance.

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Satan: “Would you please stop sacrificing animals to me. I’m not running a zoo down here.”

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My plan is to die young as late as possible.