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Good news, I just decided I don’t care about anything anymore.

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If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck.

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If someone asks you: ‘Why are you single, don’t you like people?’, answer: ‘Why aren’t you a millionaire, don’t you like money?’

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The Midwest urge to have a drink on a patio as soon as it’s nice out.

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How to have flat stomach: remove all of your organs.

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Everything will kill you so pick something fun.

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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.