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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇾 has downloaded:

Getting a nose ring, so I don’t lose my keys.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has viewed:

Dear unsuccessful applicant, we ultimately decided to split the role between existing staff without paying any of them extra.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has downloaded:

What’s my net worth? Buddy, I don’t own a net.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has downloaded:

I hear the responses my young siblings give my mom, and I’m speechless; they don’t know the commando she was in her prime.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has downloaded:

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has downloaded:

I’ve reached the age where I would rather go to a hardware store than a club.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

Everybody in the world, stop fighting or no dessert.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has downloaded:

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has copied:

Many of you need to put “lighten up” on your resolutions list.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has shared:

Cutting my steak at Texas Roadhouse with my car keys.

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15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on X:

I’m 6 donuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

Weird. I’m the only one naked at this gender reveal party.

Just landed via Pinterest:

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Trending via Discord:

How is a plant not able to handle direct sunlight? You’re from outside.

Going viral on Facebook:

That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

Making waves on Discord:

No one is more stressed than someone who has seen their potential and knows they aren’t living up to it.

Going bananas on WhatsApp:

I’m officially at the age where I enjoy when people cancel plans.

Just shared via WeChat:

I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away.

Seen just now on X:

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

I accidentally clicked on an ad, so I guess I will see that product all over my phone until I’m dead.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote joking about choosing chocolate over death penalty in a humorous way.

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Commentary:
"If life gives you lemons, ask for chocolate! 🍫🔪 The ultimate sweet escape from the bitter end! 😄 #DeathByChocolateGoals"

chocolate, death, death penalty, dessert, ever, hope, humor, i, irony, option, penalty, wish

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Social Media Stars ⭐

67 shares on Messenger this month:

Very confusing that gross pay is before tax. I always find the number way grosser after tax.

10 shares on Snapchat this month:

Just gonna drink light beers today, because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 30 times.

51 shares on Threads this month:

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten.

40 shares on Pinterest this month:

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

61 shares on Instagram this month:

I can feel your energy from two planets away.

97 shares on TikTok this month:

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around and ask you for $20.

44 shares on Slack this month:

There’s just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka.

12 shares on Pinterest this month:

Sitting in an antique chair is weird, like this thing has seen so many butts.

52 shares on Discord this month:

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

34 shares on Messenger this month:

Can we change the phrase “Can I be frank with you” to “Can I be william with you”? I don’t want to be Frank.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇮 has viewed:

I would be more patient if it didn’t take so long.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has bookmarked:

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has viewed:

Some people exercise every day. Right now, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has copied:

Pasta is something I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has shared:

I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has viewed:

That’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has copied:

Cats hear everything. They just don’t care.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via X:

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.

Spotted on Reddit:

Stopping a complete stranger on the street and saying, “Let’s end this little charade.”

Just shared via YouTube:

Leave me alone, man. I’m just living my life like a candle in the wind.

Going viral on WeChat:

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers ‘my pharmily’.

Just shared via Messenger:

I don’t know how to knit, so I made you a tinfoil hat.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” I whisper as I slowly walk up to the dessert table.

Making waves on TikTok:

Why touch grass when you can touch ass?

Trending via Telegram:

If you only watched reality TV dating shows, you would probably estimate the number of people who work in medical device sales in the United States to be approximately 80,000,000.

Live now on Facebook:

Social media has given everyone a chance to be heard, and it was a gigantic mistake.

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Activity Log ✨

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

To be clear, when I said I was looking for “growth,” I meant in salary, not in workload and stress levels.

Actually, no one sees you at your worst like your coworkers do.

My big 3? Yapping, napping & snacking!

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out?

“I’m basically the human version of finding $20 in old jeans.”

Late replies don’t bother me. As long as we’re not in love, or you don’t owe me money, take your time.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Keep the laugh going 😂

To be clear, when I said I was looking for “growth,” I meant in salary, not in workload and stress levels.

Actually, no one sees you at your worst like your coworkers do.

My big 3? Yapping, napping & snacking!

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out?

“I’m basically the human version of finding $20 in old jeans.”

Late replies don’t bother me. As long as we’re not in love, or you don’t owe me money, take your time.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨