If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

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Twitter is the only place where well-articulated sentences still get misinterpreted. You can say “I like pancakes,” and somebody will say, “So you hate waffles?”

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Unfortunately, you have to almost worship the ground I walk on for me to believe you’re into me.

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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

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Adult friendships are like, “hey girl, let’s keep rescheduling to hangout until one of us dies.”

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At first I’m shy, then I’m a podcast.

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Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

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For Christmas, I’d like to figure it all out.

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My ex is somewhere telling his new girlfriend how bad I was, and she’s smiling, thinking she made it in life. Two idiots.

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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist, and inside… my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Also shame on you. Stop foolin’ me, I am pure.