Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

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Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

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As a parent of a teenage daughter, I would like to formally apologize to my parents for my tube-top and low-rise jeans era.

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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks.

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The final stage of being single is when you listen to a love song and no one comes to mind; at that point, you’ve achieved absolute singularity.

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Not to brag but I always pick the slowest moving checkout line at the grocery store.

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The only thing worse than a nightmare is waking up from a great dream before you get to see how it ends.

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How did we decide to go with cockpit?