My cat just sneezed a bunch of times in a row and then hissed at himself. What an icon!

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You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

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If you’re a mad scientist, put a note in your laboratory reminding you to sometimes be a happy scientist.

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I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

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The secret to work life balance is generational wealth.

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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

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If I sing “Hello” and you think of “Lionel Richie” and not “Adele,” then you can probably predict the weather with one of your knees.

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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

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Excuse me, can you direct me to the nonsense?

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I don’t even want to talk about the things I had to do to that elf to get back on the nice list.