My diet plan is sometimes, when I’m eating chips, I drop some on the floor, and I don’t eat those ones.

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Being gracefully unhinged is the only way to get through the everyday bullshit.

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Wooden pews are designed to maximize the shame of farting in church.

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Your dog immediately knows you’re leaving when you put on nice clothes… only because you usually look homeless when you’re at home.

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Being liked at work comes with so many perks, you could be late as hell, and everyone is just happy to see you.

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Printers and computers treat each other like they broke up the night before, and you’re their mutual friend.

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Oh, how much I love a Sunday when you don’t have to work the next day.

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Incredibly annoying that exercising, eating right, and drinking water can make you actually feel good.