Sex is great, but have you ever had your alarm go off and then realize you don’t have to get up today?

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For my birthday, I want everyone to delete whatever old version of me they have in their head— it expired.

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Life is too short, and death is too long.

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My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend.

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A peaceful transition of power happening between me and this red wine just now.

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I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

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I used to think that the older you get, the wiser and more self-confident you become. I now know that you just get tired more quickly.

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How does spaghetti know that I’m wearing light-colored clothes?

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Why learn new slang? Stay bogus.

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I’m not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed.

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“Why are you so quiet?” Because I’m barely even here.