The moon is literally dragging the oceans around, and you think your body shouldn’t feel it?

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I have the sex drive of a potato.

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Friendship is when you don’t tidy up before visitors arrive.

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Sometime you meet such a prince that you’d rather marry the horse.

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Just once I’d like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal.

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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

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“Those tattoos will make it harder to get a job!” Okay, well so will my personality.

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Had some plain yogurt with protein powder in it for breakfast, and not only is it high in protein and very filling, it’s also disgusting.

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My favourite yoga pose is the one where you lay really still and do nothing.

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Flat earth is too mainstream, hollow earth is where it’s at.

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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.