Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss, you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

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Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant.

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Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker.

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Reading about two insects who fall in love in Italy. It’s a Rome ants novel.

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If you don’t have dating allegations with your best friend, you are not bestfriending hard enough.

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I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said “smooching” while the actors were kissing.

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Halloween is a big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings.

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It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man.

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With great power comes a great electricity bill.

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I got us matching straight jackets for Christmas.

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I SAID YES!!!!!! after I asked myself if I wanted a breakfast burrito.