Tonight I will make history, by turning off incognito mode.

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College is literally just you, your laptop, and your water bottle against the world.

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I try to contain my craziness, but the lid keeps popping off.

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Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

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Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

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“Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.” -Me, having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

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If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

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Boxes of pasta don’t need a plastic window. I believe pasta is in the box.

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When the executioner asks me what my final words are, I’m just going to start filibustering.

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The human body is incredible. It’s like, “Oh, you’re stressed and sad? Here, enjoy this acne.”

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Maybe the reason you haven’t found your soulmate is because you don’t have a soul.