When I die, I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off.

When I die, I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off.

Commentary:
“Imagine the satisfaction of causing traffic jams and slow commutes in your afterlife as a rebellious speed bump! 😈🚗 Just make sure to bring your ‘Slow Down’ sign to complete the look! 😂 #SpeedBumpRevenge”

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and land on the floor.

    Commentary:
    📱💥 Who knew your phone was auditioning for a role in a slapstick comedy? From acrobatics to home decor rearrangement, it’s a full-on performance every time it takes a tumble! Just remember, in the world of phone physics, anything can happen – except a graceful landing on the bed! 🤹‍♂️✨

  • The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

    Commentary:
    “Move over ecosystems, welcome to the egosystems! 🌍 Where every conversation revolves around ‘me, myself, and I’ 🙄. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of mirrors for everyone! 🪞 #NarcissistLife”

  • My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

    Commentary:
    “Trying to declutter is like embarking on a quest to slay the dragon of excess…only to end up cuddling with it instead 🐉✨ Who knew that hoarding could be so cozy and comforting? #DragonDenDeclutterFail”

  • When I watch hockey, I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

    Commentary:
    “Watching hockey is like witnessing a fierce battle for the coveted last Oreo 🏒🍪 I hope they remember to dunk it in milk during intermission! #TeamOreo”

  • I could never abuse substances, they mean a lot to me.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the classic case of showing love through consumption – a true connoisseur of substances! 🍷😜 Who needs therapy when you have a glass of wine, am I right? Cheers to self-care, one sip at a time! 🥂😆”

  • There are rumors that someone came down the chimney last night. This is preposterous. I would have lost my mind.

    Commentary:
    🎅🔥 “Ah, the classic case of Santa vs. sanity! 🤪 Who needs evidence when we have our precious minds to protect? Don’t worry, Santa, we’ve got our eye on you! 👀🎄”