Being a parent means hearing a noise at 3 a.m. and hoping it’s just a ghost and not your toddler getting up again.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has downloaded:

In honor of the fall equinox, I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has downloaded:

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has viewed:

The lack of a pope has got me acting wild.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has viewed:

She was rare. Like a meth head with good teeth.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has downloaded:

“Your password is too weak.” Just wait until you see my will to live.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has bookmarked:

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin, so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has bookmarked:

If you’re 20, please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.