Being called ‘my love’ is probably the cutest thing, like yes, that’s me. I’m the one you love. I’m the only one you love. I’m your love. Say it again.

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The only ‘survival horror’ game I play is called ‘getting up every day and leaving the house.

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My favourite thing about waking up at ridiculous o’clock is the solitude.

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“You’ve changed.” Yeah, I watched a new movie.

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Bisexual just means that I wear perfume with my men’s deodorant.

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Your skull is the only thing preventing your brain from floating away, unburdened as it is by any meaningful thought to anchor it.

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Within a week, we’ve had a major jewel heist, a mafia-involved poker ring, and sports gambling corruption. We’re living in the 1920s.

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I’m writing a book on the joys of drinking beer. So far I’ve been through a lot of drafts.

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Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still an idiot.

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Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P.

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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?