God, never seen San Francisco this bad. Spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood. Things have got to change!

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Might go to prison so I can focus on the gym properly.

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I am losing touch with reality and I couldn’t be happier.

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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

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Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

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Unpopular opinion: The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

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Nothing prepares you for the day you wake up and realize you have a favorite cardigan.

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Welcome to your 50s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

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Me: I’m an introvert. Vodka: No, you’re not.

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Out of sheer boredom, I opened the front door and rang the doorbell. I was so happy.

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One person’s logic is another one’s “what the heck?”