If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.

Curious that talented athletes frequently credit God when they win, but we rarely see them blame God when they lose.

People always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

God: “I told you to love thy neighbor – not start trade wars with them.”

God saw you do that.

Crazy that caffeine has no short or long-term negative side effects. Just a super drug from God.

When someone dies people say β€œhe’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.

God: “You can’t just say ‘Goddammit!’ and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.”

God’s plan for me is super weird so far.

God sends you an only child as a friend to test you.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

I find myself thinking “God, I need a cigarette” way too often for someone who doesn’t actually smoke.

1994: I can’t wait to see what the world is like in 30 years. 2024: God no.

God: “I used to work in mysterious ways but now I’m unemployed.”

God: “You’re all really bad at this.”

Aliens: We are here to take over. Me: Thank God.

God: “I’m all-knowing but I’d rather be all-forgetting.”

Sucking melted cheese off the burger wrapper as God intended.

You befriend a guy and a few days later he’s like β€œI wanna talk to you about something”. Please, God, let it be about the economy.

If I were god, I would’ve rested all 7 days.