I’ll find a cell mate before I’ll ever find a soulmate.

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Judging by the hair on my couch, I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

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As a child, all I wanted was as to be a time traveller, like my grandson and his grandson before him.

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Washing your face and water going down your elbow is so sickening.

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It’s like 10,000 Tupperwares when all you need is a lid.

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Processed food was literally designed for you to eat. Organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere.

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The older I get, the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

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Apparently I lack empathy, according to some stupid cow in HR.

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Starting my period on election day because I’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country.

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Washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating.

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Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.