It is a mistake to say that the people who live a hundred years from now will have nothing to laugh at. They can laugh at us.

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To quote Hamlet Act III, Scene III, Line 92 “No.”

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After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.

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I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 10 solid minutes to completing it.

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I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.

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Once I matched with a guy and ended up finding out he lived in my neighborhood, so I told him to go outside and scream, and he did. And I heard it.

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Our neighbor complained that our cat is always running through his garden. My father said: “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

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“You changed!” Yeah, I thought three days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it.

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Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

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Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

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I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together. What could you possibly be plotting? You can’t even get out of the open window.