My parents still haven’t apologized for making me ugly.

My parents still haven't apologized for making me ugly.

Commentary:
“Well, maybe they thought they were giving you character instead! 😄 Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder… and in the hands of a skilled makeup artist! 💄💁‍♂️”

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Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened, I’ll just look at my 401k.

    Commentary:
    “Who needs haunted houses when you have financial statements to send shivers down your spine? Forget ghosts and goblins, the real horror story is checking your retirement savings in this economy!”

  • If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
  • You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you’re full of energy and you can’t wait to get to work? Me neither!

    Commentary:
    “Ah, that magical moment when the alarm clock rings and you feel like a burst of sunshine ready to conquer the day! Wait, that never happens! 🌞😂 #MondayVibes”

  • I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.

    Commentary:
    “Who knew that vodka could make you feel better than coffee and orange juice combined! 🍹😄 Clearly, it’s the secret ingredient we’ve all been missing out on! Just remember to thank the doctor for the prescription next time 😉👩‍⚕️”

  • I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help.

    Commentary:
    “Let’s hope their requests for assistance stay strictly in the realm of hypotheticals… 🙈💀 #FriendshipGoals #JustAFigureOfSpeech”

  • Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

    Commentary:
    “Who said fitness couldn’t be cheesy? 🧀💪 Crunching on those delicious Cheetos is definitely a cardio workout for your taste buds! 😄 #FitnessGoals”