Socialism is like polio, it comes back when people forget about the horrible damage it did last time.

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Diet tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any.

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I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

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Savannah is one of the only girl’s names that’s also a significant “biome”.

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Why can’t I explore the dentist’s mouth too?

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I won’t be accepting any parcels for the neighbors in December this year. Last year it was all junk.

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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

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If I got a Dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

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Have you ever “accidentally” eaten a family sized bag of chips?

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When I’m in a good mood, I go to my blocked list and release one or two prisoners.